This I Love
by Lizwontcry
Summary: Grissom makes a decision and finally goes after what he wants. Based on the song This I Love by Guns N' Roses. No spoilers.


**A/N - My CSI muse has forsaken me for a few weeks so that I can obsess over my first love, Axl Rose, and his amazing new album that you should all buy right now. But I came out of semi-retirement to write this, because whenever I can merge two of my favorite things together, I'm all over it.**

Thanks for reading! Also, I love feedback, but who doesn't?

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. I've been trying to own Axl Rose since I was 12, but the restraining order keeps getting in the way.**

_And now I don't know why  
she wouldn't say good-bye  
but then it seems that I  
had seen it in her eyes..._

An empty house, yet again. All her things were gone, yet again. Sara hadn't been there long, but already Grissom was used to her shampoo next to his in the shower, her hair straightner next to his aftershave on the sink, her underwear on the floor next to his slacks. And everything was gone, yet again. There were no good-byes. His only clue that she'd even been there at all was the made bed. He never bothered, and it was one of her things. She always had to make the bed before anything else. It sometimes annoyed him; her need to be so neat and tidy all the time, but it was also just another one of those endearing traits that made her who she was in his eyes--a beautiful, flawed perfectionist with a gorgeous soul.

He never understood why she couldn't just say good-bye. The first time, she left him a letter. A heartbreaking, confusing, frustrating letter. This time, it was a text message--a text message, of all things! _I can't do this again,_ it said. And he honestly couldn't blame her, but he still couldn't understand why she didn't just call him or, better yet, just tell him face-to-face. He was a big boy, he could handle it. But then again, he should have just known. When they talked in his office, when she was all riled up about Pamela Adler, he saw something in her eyes. It was passion, but it wasn't passion for him or passion for Las Vegas--it was passion for second chances. If Sara Sidle was about anything, it was about chances. And when he told her that a relationship in stasis is prone to wither, he could see in her eyes that he just used up his last one.

_Though it might not be wise  
I'd still have to try  
with all the love  
I have inside  
I can't deny  
I just can't let it die  
'cause her heart's just like mine  
and she holds her pain inside..._

"You have to go get her," Catherine told him.  
"Gris, she wants you to find her, man," Nick blurted out a crime scene.  
"I don't understand how you can just let her leave," Greg said in an email.

This seemed to be a new approach by his employees--instead of respecting his privacy and his comfort zone like usual, they were instead ambushing him from every corner. He couldn't say he enjoyed this method in particular. Sometimes, when it was just too much, he'd lock himself in his office, turn off the lights, and think about leaving. He'd go to the Galapagos, he'd go on a ship in the middle of nowhere, he'd go anywhere just to be with Sara. And sometimes, when he was all out of ideas, he'd think about moving on. Maybe he'd look into internet dating. Maybe he could arrange a date on with a nice older woman. They could meet at a cafe and share a scone and drink hazelnut coffee and talk about their careers and how long they had to wait until retirement.

The mere thought, of course, terrified him. How could he possibly let Sara go? They were so different, yet their ultimate goal was the same--to be together, to love each other, to settle down into a peaceful life that neither of them had ever known. They both lost their fathers at such a young age, and ever since then, their lives were full of one tragedy after another. They'd often talk about going away together and leaving it all behind. How could he lose that? He lost the promise of a future. That's what hurt the most.

Grissom was going to have to do something about this. Last he knew, Sara was still on a ship with Sea Shepherd, doing her part to save the whales or the ocean ecosystem or...something. He wasn't quite sure what she was doing out there. But Nick had told him only a few days ago, casually of course, that Sara emailed him and now she's back in San Francisco. He didn't tell Grissom what to do, but Grissom could tell what Nick wanted him to do--what they all wanted him to do. And this time, he was thinking about it. For once, he wanted to be the knight on the white horse who galloped away with the princess by his side.

_No matter how I try  
they say it's all a lie  
so what's the use of my  
confession of a crime  
of passions that won't die  
in my heart..._

It took him 2 weeks. For one whole week, he thought about what choices he had. It would be so easy to stay at the lab and go through the motions; to stay every day for as long as he could stand it, then pick Hank up at the sitter's so they could go home, share a hamburger, and miss Sara together. It wasn't that bad of a life. It just didn't challenge him, and even in his advanced age, he still craved a challenge.

Then he thought of that fictional woman, the one he'd share scones with at a cafe. Every time he thought of this scenario, he'd realize it was his worst nightmare. Not only did he not want to learn about another woman's habits and flaws and quirks, but he just didn't want another woman. That, obviously, was the selling point for his number one choice.

So he did it. It took him a week to get everything in order, but he did it. First, he had a conversation with Ecklie. Even though he'd been at odds with the man nearly the whole time he'd been at the lab, Ecklie only had nice things to say in response to Grissom's decision. After Grissom promised to be on standby for any entomology crises, Ecklie shook his hand and wished him luck. Gil was glad he didn't have to further explain his actions. Ecklie sometimes had the tendency to make him feel like he was on trial.

The next office he went to after leaving Ecklie's was Jim's. Jim Brass took one look at his old friend and knew what was on his mind.

"You're going to California," Jim said before Grissom even opened his mouth.

"How did you know?" Grissom asked, bewildered.

"I'm not a detective for nothin', Gil. I know people. And I know that look on your face. I think I speak for everyone here when I say it's about time."

"You really think so?"

"Of course. We all love Sara, and we all know she loves you. I know this kind of talk makes you uncomfortable, but go. We'll be fine without you."

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," Grissom said. The two men shook hands, acknowledging all the trials and tribulations and shared bottles of whisky that were shared over the years.

Grissom did everything else before telling the team. He knew his departure would be abrupt, but isn't that what he always anticipated happening anyway? He recalled a conversation with Warrick about not having cake in the break room once his time was up. Oh, Warrick. His heart felt the loss of his employee and friend, and thinking about it made him feel even better about leaving town.

He hired movers to pack all his things in boxes. There was no way he could go through all his stuff yet, not without Sara. Without her in his life, who knows what would happen if he found a tube of her lipstick in his medicine cabinet, or one of her socks mixed in with his in a drawer. Not having to put himself through that was worth the extra expense for the movers to take care of it.

Finally, two days before he left, he dropped the bomb during assignments.

"Nick and Riley, smash and grab on the strip. The owner of the jewelry store is...well, volatile, according to Brass. Catherine and Greg, hiking accident near Lake Mead. There's a situation with beetles that needs my attention this evening. Also, I'm resigning on Saturday, and Catherine, you're going to be supervisor."

He didn't know what their reactions would be, but he did expect there to be some shocked stares of awe and wonder. Instead, his colleagues surprised him--they clapped, loudly.

"It's about time!" Nick said. Even Riley looked happy, although she must have been thinking about what a scandal the whole thing was. Someday Nick and Greg would explain to her about the 6 years of awkward conversations, hidden glances and sexual tension Gil and Sara had to endure before things finally progressed.

_So if she's somewhere near me  
I hope to God she hears me  
there's no one else  
could ever make me feel  
I'm so alive..._

After, well, having some cake in the break room on Saturday morning, Grissom said good-bye to his friends one last time. He promised he (and hopefully Sara) would see them soon. Before heading to California, he retrieved Hank from the sitter's so they could drive off into the sunset together.

On the drive to San Francisco, he pondered again if he was making the right decision. She said in her video she was happy, and that she was essentially ready to let him go. But somewhere inside, he knew that there was still hope. Her voice did this thing where it cracked just the tiniest bit whenever she was unsure about something, and he heard it 3 or 4 times in her video. Grissom just had to believe he was doing what was right for the both of them.

When he made it to San Francisco, the sun was setting. There was something in the air that was merging with the fog and humidity, and it took him a second to realize what it was. It was hope. He was finally taking his life seriously; finally making the right decision. And now, after so many years of settling for mediocrity, he was refusing to settle for anything.

_I hoped she'd never leave me  
Please God you must believe me  
I've searched the universe and found myself within her eyes..._

Before she stopped speaking to him altogether, Sara had given him her mother's address. Grissom parked at a random motel and let Hank out to do his thing. He searched a map to figure out where the house was. It was hard to focus on the map when his stomach was all tied up in knots. At first he thought it was because he was hungry, but he stopped at a diner on the way and had the best tasting cheeseburger he'd ever put in his mouth. Then he thought maybe his stomach was reacting to the burger, but then he realized it was a feeling he just wasn't familiar with--he was _nervous._

He found the house and smiled when he saw her Prius parked outside. He missed having that Prius in his driveway.

It took nearly 20 minutes of sitting in his car before he collected enough nerve to knock on the door. Hank jumped out of the car and ran, probably somehow expecting to be reunited with his long lost mommy. After he knocked, and then when there was no answer, rang the doorbell, the two of them stood in front of that door longing for it to open. But when it finally did, it wasn't Sara who answered.

"Hello," Laura Sidle said. She looked down at Hank and smiled genuinely. "Oh, this must be Hank. I've heard so much about this little guy!"

Grissom raised an eyebrow.

"And you must be the other man in Sara's life," Laura said after giving Hank the attention he demanded. "Well, she's here. But you have to go through me first."

"I am more than willing to do that," Gil said. Later, he wanted to sit down with Laura and hear her stories. He was sure she'd have a few.

"I just have 2 questions. Are you ready?"

"Yes. Next question?"

Laura smirked. "Ah, you're clever, I get it. Okay, first question: do you love her?"

"With every bone in my body," he said. An earlier version of himself would have cringed at those words, but this new version, the version that wasn't settling, embraced them.

Laura looked at him closely, and his stomach made more unsettling noises.

"Are you prepared to do whatever it takes to make her happy?" She asked.

"Yes," Grissom said simply.

Laura nodded. "I believe you. But if you're lying to me, well, I met some people in prison, and they owe me favors."

"Fair enough," Gil said. "Can I please see her?"

She nodded and opened the door. Hank barked and took off. Grissom followed him, knowing his dog would find her way before he could. Hank led him to a bedroom, where Sara was sitting on a four-poster bed. In front of her was a now-abandoned crossword puzzle. He would make sure they'd finish it together later.

_I knew somewhere inside  
there is a special light  
still shining bright  
and even on the darkest night  
she can't deny..._

"I'm ready," he told her. "I resigned as supervisor. I have no job. I have no house. I don't know where the movers are with my furniture. But as Shakespeare once said, 'the course of true love never did run smooth.'

Sara laughed. "Oh, how I've missed your random Shakespeare quotes, Gil."

"What else have you missed?"

She switched from content to serious in seconds.

"First, I'll tell you what I haven't missed. I don't miss your veiled comments about a case when it's really about your feelings towards me. I don't miss the games we've always played. I don't miss your hesitance to tell me you love me. And I don't miss you making these grand gestures like the one you've just made only to retreat back into your shell once again."

"I know that, I do. And if you give me this chance, I'll do what I can to make up all the years I've wasted."

Sara didn't look convinced. But she got off the bed anyway and embraced the man she had such an intense, colorful, frustrating, amazing relationship with. Before he let her go, he looked in her eyes. Grissom wasn't sure what he was looking for, but what he got was hope. It was the same hope he recognized in himself, which was more of a relief than he ever anticipated.

And so begins the tale of Grissom and Sara. First, they were a teacher and an eager student. Then they were a boss and an employee with so much more under the surface. Last, they were lovers, both equal, both determined. Maybe they'd go to the rainforest and he'd show her what fascinated him about the surroundings. Maybe they'd take turns reading passages of Moby Dick together. Maybe they'd do nothing but curl up on the bed and finish the crossword.

It didn't matter, because they'd be together. Everything else was just...details.

_So now I don't know why  
she wouldn't say good-bye  
it may just be that I had seen it in her eyes  
and now it seems that I  
gave up my ghost of pride  
I'll never say good-bye..._


End file.
